Subscribe to Baseball History Comes Alive for automatic updates (sign-up block found in right side-bar)

As a Free Bonus for subscribing, you’ll get instant access to my two Special Reports: Memorable World Series Moments and Gary’s Handy Dandy World Series Reference Guide!

 Baseball Humor Photo Gallery
Click on any image below to see photos in full size and to start Photo Gallery:

Baseball is known for its great humorists and witty, zany characters. In today’s essay, Bill Schaefer shares with us some quotes and stories from some of the best, including Yogi Berra, Lefty Gomez, and Dizzy Dean. I think you’ll enjoy it. -GL

From the Lighter Side:

BASEBALL, FUNNY SIDE UP!

The funniest and strangest material on earth can be found in the archives of baseball’s stories, wisdom, and hilarious impromptu comments. Though at times sans the king’s English, nobody can write it better than just quoting the people associated with our great game. With your permission, we’ll delve into those vaults of one-liners and offbeat stories.

Freddie Hutchinson, a fine pitcher for the Detroit Tigers and well-respected manager of the Tigers, Cardinals, and Reds, seldom smiled. Once, noticing his perennially dour expression, a reporter asked Hutch why he always sported a sour puss. Hutchinson, bouncing off a Joe Garagiola line, replied, “I’m really happy, my face just don’t know it,”

Ralph Kiner, revered Hall-of-Fame slugger and beloved broadcaster for the New York Mets came up with some dandies over the years, known as “Kinerisms.” He once opened his post-game show with, “Hello everybody, welcome to Kiner’s Korner, this is Ralph Korner.” He also said, “Now up to bat for the New York Mets is Gary Cooper (he meant Gary Carter). And then there was, “We’ll be back after this word from Manufacturers Hangover.”

On a personal note, Kiner used to drive me nuts by misquoting the great Gas House Gang and New York Giant second baseman, Frankie Frisch. For years, he would refer to Frankie Frisch’s famous line and say “Oh, them bases on balls.” He thus portrayed Frisch as a sparsely educated old-timer, but with keen insight. “The Fordham Flash” was actually an articulate college grad who did the Giants’ radio broadcasts with Steve Ellis in 1947 and ’48, between managerial stints. They finally corrected Ralph (Oh, those bases on balls) and I found it in my heart to forgive him.

I chatted with Yogi Berra on the phone during spring training in 1970 and got a colorful promo for a new AM radio station in Elizabeth, NJ, WJDM 1530. Nicest man in the world. We’ll get to a funny story about Yogi later in the essay. But two “Berra Beauties” stand out for me. He was once at an outdoor summer gathering where the guest of honor was a distinguished lady in the field of politics. She noticed Yogi dressed in a crisp polo shirt and appropriate pair of shorts and said, “My, you look cool.” Berra replied, “And you don’t look so hot yourself.” Then there was a reference to a popular restaurant in The Hill section of St. Louis. Yogi’s comment was, “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.” You can’t beat that logic.

Lefty Gomez pitched in five World Series and is honored in Cooperstown. And no one had a sharper sense of humor. To wit: a reporter asked “El Goofo” if he would throw at his own mother. “You’re damn right I would,” blurted Lefty, “she’s a good hitter.”  He said, “When Neil Armstrong first set foot on the moon, he and all the space scientists were puzzled by an unidentifiable white object; I knew immediately what it was…that was a home run ball hit off me in 1933 by Jimmie Fox.” He also revealed, “The secret of my success is clean living and a fast outfield.”

How about Dizzy Dean and Satchel Paige? Let’s jump in. Diz remarked, “It ain’t braggin’ if you can back it up.” And, “The good Lord was good to me. He gave me a strong body, a good right arm, and a weak mind.” He once said, “Son, what kind of pitch do you want to miss?”

Ole Satch had this advice, “Don’t look back, something might be gaining on you.” On another occasion, he opined, “Avoid fried foods, which angry up the blood.” Then he offered, “Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits.”  Finally, “I don’t know what you’re going to do, Mr. Dean. But I’m not going to give up any runs if we have to stay here all night.”

Here are a few stories I think you’ll enjoy.

Most baseball historians consider the first major league season to have been 1876, when the Chicago White Stockings were the founding members of the new National League. The pitchers stood 50 feet from home plate and threw underhand. The batter could call for a high or a low ball and then “strike” the ball, as in Cricket. One of the great stars was a smallish second baseman named Ross Barnes. The dapper 145-pounder took full advantage of the rules at the time, which counted any batted ball that struck first in fair territory as a fair ball, regardless of where it ultimately settled. His specialty was chopping at a pitched ball so that it hit in front of the plate and then caromed into foul territory. Barnes sent infielders into a tizzy, chasing the crazily spinning spheroids into the distant reaches beyond the foul lines! Barnes batted .429 that year and scored 126 runs in just 66 games. The rules were changed the next year and Barnes became seriously ill, never to become an offensive force again.

Yogi Berra was said to be notorious for borrowing the contents of shaving kits left on the sinks by his teammates in the clubhouse locker room—razors, shave cream, soap, deodorant—Yogi would simply help himself to whatever he needed. Players were becoming increasingly annoyed by this bothersome habit until one player finally decided to fix Yogi’s wagon. He deliberately left a roll-on deodorant on the sink with its top removed. The devious player then applied crazy glue to the roll-on ball of the antiperspirant.

Later, when the game ended at Yankee Stadium that afternoon, the players showered, dressed, and left the building. Suddenly, those outside in the parking lot heard an ear-splitting scream emanating from the clubhouse. It was Yogi. His arms were stuck to his sides!  

On August 17^th, 1957, in Philadelphia, the most bizarre incident occurred during a game against the Giants. Hall-of-Famer Richie Ashburn hit a foul ball that struck Alice Roth, seated in a box seat next to her two grandsons. The ball hit her squarely in the face, breaking her nose. As the medics were carrying Mrs. Roth away on a stretcher, Ashburn fouled off the very next pitch thrown to him. The ball struck Roth again, this time breaking a bone in her knee! She was the wife of the Sports Editor for the Philadelphia Bulletin.

Everything ended happily, with the kids treated royally and Ashburn visiting Alice the next day in the hospital. They became good friends. The odds of a fan being hit just once by a foul ball are 300,000 to 1.

Finally, at the turn of the century, there was a “singing umpire,” Bill “Lord” Byron. He would serenade a batter who took a called third strike with the lyrics, “Let me tell you something son, before you get much older…you cannot hit the ball, my friend, with the bat upon your shoulder!”

Can you imagine Byron serenading Ty Cobb?

Bill Schaefer

Enter our February Baseball Trivia Contest with A $50 Amazon Gift Card Grand Prize. Current topic: So You Think You Know A Lot About Babe Ruth…